Boundaries, Acceptance & Forgiveness
OH MY
I honestly sometimes wonder, will this work this time?
Tonight I am taking it minute by long minute, second by long second. I am in the process of letting go of every single thing. I know it is so freaking hard, but it is what I have to do if I want to live.
With that letting go comes boundaries.
With boundaries comes acceptance.
And with acceptance comes forgiveness.
Out with the old, and in with the new. As the Word says in 2 Corinthians 5:17:
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
Sometimes I miss everyone and everything. Sometimes I just want to be back in that box truck again. Sometimes I want to just be able to call my mom. But I can’t, because I don’t want to die. She doesn’t understand that I simply cannot survive in or around that environment anymore, and she continues to cross the boundaries I desperately need to stay safe. Yet even knowing that, the ache doesn’t fully go away.
I just crave a normal mom. I crave a loving mom. Deep down I just want to hear her voice over the phone line, or imagine her holding me, rubbing my head, and telling me, “Everything is going to be okay, baby, you don’t have to do that anymore.” To just be protected and comforted like that… I want it so bad.
But I can look to Isaiah 43:18-19 and remind myself:
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert.”
I have to keep choosing survival.
I don’t want that stranger coming in, touching me, making me feel so dirty, so nasty. I remember taking ten showers a day—scrubbing, washing, and scrubbing again—but I just could not get that touch, that smell, that taste, or that dirtiness and filthiness off me. Instead it was always on to the next one—slap that smile on, act like you love it, Lurie. I always had to throw on that next mask. But I know what the Word says in Luke 12:2:
“There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.”
The mask always has to come off sooner or later.
Oh my goodness, will it ever just go away?
God, please, I just need Your help. It was a crushing reality to face: crying out to God to rescue me from the pain, while the man who paid for my body walked away entirely unbroken, returning to the comfort of his normal life and job while I was left to gather my pieces. I try so hard to get that out of my head, out of my freakin’ mind. I remember when I used to hit that pipe as a single tear rolled down my face, just wanting to escape inside myself, wanting to escape this whole thing called life.
I was so tired of seeing the disappointment in my kids’ eyes. They are broken because I broke them, because I couldn’t stand up and face the woman in the mirror. I tried ending it all so many times because I thought that would solve everyone’s problems or take away everyone’s hurt. But no—that was the coward in me, hiding because I couldn’t look myself in the eyes. I was doing more harm than good.
But even in the absolute darkest moments of being crushed, Psalm 34:18 promises me:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Now the hardest and most beautiful part of it all is that I am still here. Lurie is always still there, no matter where I go or what I do. At the end of the day, I am still standing.
I am this warrior woman.
I am God’s child, His princess,
and I have been on this battlefield called life, surviving the fittest days of addiction. I used to not know whether I was even going to be alive or alone by the end of the day.
But just for today, I choose to live.
Closing Prayer
Father God,
Thank You for every single second You have kept me alive.
Thank You for the strength to set boundaries, the courage to accept what I cannot change, and the grace to forgive—myself and others.
When the ache for what never was rises up, remind me that You are the Mother and Father my soul has always needed. Hold me close. Whisper that everything is going to be okay.
Wash away every remaining trace of shame, dirt, and fear.
Heal the broken places in my children’s hearts.
Keep me sober, keep me free, keep me standing.
I am Yours.
I choose life.
Just for today, and every day You give me.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
This is inspirational to everyone!
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