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A Terrifying, Beautiful Strength

If I open this phone and type for three minutes straight without editing, filtering, or pretending, this is what spills out:

“I miss him so much my chest physically hurts and I am angry that I had to leave to save myself. I am scared he will die before he gets clean and I am terrified that my prayers aren't enough, but I refuse to go back to that hell. My kids deserve a mother who is completely here, and I deserve a life that isn't dictated by methamphetamine and fear.

God, please hold him because I can't, and please keep my feet planted right here on day 63 because I cannot afford to lose myself again.”

AMEN

Right now, my heart feels the heavy weight of Proverbs 4:23, which tells us, 

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." 

Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but guarding my heart is how I safeguard my life and my relationship with my children in the future. At 63 days clean, I look at the woman writing this blog and barely recognize the person from 64 days ago. 

Sixty-four days ago, I was trapped in a loop of codependency, trying to save everyone else while drowning right alongside them. Today, I am uncovering a terrifying, beautiful strength. I am anchoring myself in Psalm 46:1, remembering that 

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." 

I don't have to carry the weight of saving anyone else anymore; I just have to let Him carry me. I am learning that I can survive a broken heart without turning to a chemical to numb it. I am discovering that my voice has power when I write the unvarnished truth. The biggest difference? I no longer mistake enabling for loving. I am learning to trust Isaiah 26:3: 

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!" 

The woman today is resilient, grounded in her faith, and deeply committed to the long, slow work of personal transformation.

By God's grace I'll keep praying for you, today, tomorrow and always, I refuse to lose myself in the process. 

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